Help! I’m an AMAZOMBIE

By Joe Illing

I never planned for this.  I never expected my life to veer off society’s byways into a dead end like this.  I never thought I’d spend my days like some kind of religious aesthete in total solitude observing a vow of involuntary mute silence.

But, here I am, sitting all alone with nary another sole in sight.  And, I probably won’t see another for days – – that is unless a FedEx van pulls up with my latest Amazon.com order.  Of course, I probably won’t see the driver or the van, and If I do, I probably won’t talk with him or her.   I remember, I did once, but that was a long time ago.

So, I’ve got to admit it.  I can’t avoid or hide it or deny it any longer.  I’m still alive but I look dead to the outside world because – – –

I’m an AMAZOMBIE

It wasn’t always like this.  I used to get up in the morning ready to tackle my chores, like shopping at Safeway.  I’d see clerks who worked there who actually knew me – – they even acted like they enjoyed seeing me.  No longer.  AmazonFresh does my grocery shopping for me, faster, and cheaper than I could do it for myself, which is why  – – –

I’m an AMAZOMBIE

I used to go to Best Buy or Bed, Bath and Beyond or Home Depot or Barnes and Noble, but not any more.  No need to.  Amazon offers a far better selection for much less money.  I don’t even need to get out of my easy chair now.  So it’s adios clerks and the friends I’d serendipitously run into since – – –

I’m an AMAZOMBIE

I don’t need to hassle with butchers, bakers or candlestick makers these days – – not in person anyway.  Nope, I can get what I need from Amazon.  In fact, the only live I person I have to deal with now is my local FedEx driver, and I don’t even have to do that, because – – –

I’m an AMAZOMBIE

Besides, the FedEx driver and I don’t have time to waste on trivial matters like gossip and useless chatter.  They’ve got vans overflowing with goodies that they have to deliver pronto and I’ve got my list of things to do around the house.  So you see – – –

I’m an AMAZOMBIE

Like I said.  I never planned on it.  I never dreamed of it, but here I am sitting at the dawn of a revolutionary new world.  One that’s cheap and easy – – even it it is solitary and lonely.  After all that’s a small price to pay to be able to kick-back and live it up in  AMAZOMBIELAND – – isn’t it?